i am but one small instrument's Journal

i am but one small instrument's Journal

i am but one small instrument

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(2 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[29 Sep 2003|08:28pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

why has my trust in the people around me dropped so dramatically? it's baffling me. all i want to do is write now. i want to write a sonnet...a perfect sonnet. i'm sorry, but i just had to say that, but it's true.

and i'm sick of you. and everyone like you. is there a problem that i'm not aware of? would you like to tell me about it before i rip your fucking head off and stomp on it a million fucking times so it crushes into tiny peices, you peice of shit?

i talked to maggie on the phone today. i really wish i could have those phones from the jetsons where you can see the people when you talk to them. a webcam without being online, i guess? i'm going to send her a million pictures soon, because she needs to see us just as much as we need to see her.

and apparently i'm a wannabe hardcore groupie? what the fuck, matt finan? i forgot i ever did anything to hurt you, so i'm glad you supposidly have so much shit to say about me. i may not have my facts straight, since someone else informed me of all of this shit talking. i pray to god this is just gossip, because if not, i will be terribly dissapointed. someone please tell me i'm wrong?

and if i'm right, then my friends back me up: "don't worry about what finan says..i mean we can't all have hair that hasn't been shampooed in weeks(possibley months)"

i ate alone with aarthi today. sorry if i'm nice enough to sit alone with her because nobody else has the balls to. she's really nice if you give her a fucking chance to know. i'm a bitch to her too sometimes, i know, but you really just have to get past how attention hungry she is. she can be nice when not made fun of or tempted to act out annoyingly.

and i'm not fucking dating robert gordon, to all of you gay fucking freshman who think they can start shit now that they're big bad highschoolers. can't you find something better to gossip about the lauren fucking dwyer? it must be a slow gossip week at benjamin if they have to talk about me now.

seriously, guys.

(you are getting smaller)

[27 Sep 2003|08:26pm]

[ mood | happy ]

( homecoming was nice )

( this is what i do when i cannot go on the internet... )

(you are getting smaller)

[27 Sep 2003|07:59pm]

went to the Take Action show last night. SO SO SO GOOD.

as we were pulling into the parking lot we hit a truck that was parked. it deserved it though, FUCKER.

got there in the middle of Further, who, i'm sorry, went downhill after carrabba left, in my opinion. so instead of watching them i went with ashley to go get her boyfriend

came back, got a Dillinger Escape Plan shirt, bought liz a PTW shirt, then found ceren.

then dillinger came on. LSJDFA. FUCKING AMAZING. they are such a good live band, it's ridiculous. they played 43% Burnt and When Good Dogs Do Bad Things, so I was extremely happy.

then i talked with allyson and faith, then embarrassed totally myself infront of jessica heinrich...i'm sorry!!! :(

walked around for a bit, the poison the well came on. and i went crazy, because no matter what anyone says about them, i like them. and i had fun watching and listening to them and making a fool out of myself. their new stuff isn't that bad. it's not Opposite of December, but still good.

and we went to dennys. and i met john park. ashley almost got us shot, because she's stupid. haha, i'm just kidding, that girl's great.

and thank you to ates for driving all of us around when you didn't even want to go. you're a good kid.

today i just kinda chilled with ceren at her house. then we went to liz's and then went to the mall. and i got underwear. and then i had an eggcream from the ice cream place, and it was so good.

I need new jeans. I'm infatuated with the gap jeans...yes.

(you are getting smaller)

[23 Sep 2003|09:43pm]

[ mood | calm ]

I need to be more outgoing. This is not a joke. I know everyone things "oh lauren dwyer, she's so loud and expresses herself", you know what I say to that? YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT.

I'm loud yes, but that's because I need attention. I'm so starved for it that it's disgusting. I always complain about others that crave the spotlight, and you know why? it's because i am a hypocrite, and that is to be taken lightly.

i want to be noticed by boys. did i mention i was selfish? this is my love campaign. complete with slogans, lies, and hatred. isn't that what makes the best politicans? elect lauren dwyer for the downfall of your society.

this is all my doing.

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

These games you play, they're gonna end it more than tears someday [23 Sep 2003|02:41pm]

[ mood | sick ]

[ music | "enola gay" the faint ]

i'm at sick at home. don't bother to ask why, because i'm sure you don't want to know.

i admit, socially, i have been a fuck up. split personality, wrong decisons, ignoring, and betrayal to boot. i am sorry. i don't know what has come over me, but i promise to make things right. i promise not to ruin myself if you promise to stay by my side, support me like a column of a house? i do not want to crumble to the ground.

and i dipped into that mess again. i thought i knew myself better than that. i am done with you, though. i will make sure i do not go too far again. i will make sure i am stronger now.

and my vagueness kills me. maybe i did it on purpose, though. maybe it's meant to me molded to whatever people think i'm talking about. maybe the secrecy is supposed to drive you mad because i seem to be talking in riddles. or maybe everyone knows exactly what i'm saying, and what my implications are, and I'm the fool for thinking that I'm so sly.

if i had done things differently, changed my decisions, where would that put me? i wouldn't be any less of a person, i know that. i know there would be a void

all i wanted was love from anyone. all i recieved was drama and disgust within myself.

(you are getting smaller)

[21 Sep 2003|09:18pm]

[ mood | weird ]

Last night was homecoming.

Got ready for the dance then got into the bronco and went. 9 effing people in that bronco! ates, dustin, me, liz s, ceren, felicia, steven, kathi, and ashley. wow...we were really packed in there like frickin' sardines.

so the dance was lovely. ates and dustin are demons on the dance floor...especially at the same time. ooh snap, yo. got my groove on with those boys and everyone i came to the dance with, plus andy, robert gordon (yes, i got that boy to dance), liz brock, and some over sexy sexy people. i wanted to dance with leo, rob hayden and devon, but bleh...i didn't get too :(

major drama outside the doors of homecoming. various dramas, actually.

and we get back to ceren's house, and get dressed. we drove colin hickey and jason milner back to the house too, so that made even more people packed into the car.

turns out ates and ashley stole a squirrel from the dance. a ceremic one, mind you. still weird.

so we drove around to seminole, a gas station, and some random house while trying to find parties. no luck.

so dustin dropped his brother and his friend off at some freshman get together, and we all went back to ceren's. tony came over and brought begum with him.

then dustin went and got some stuff. and we had some fun.

dustin, begum, kelly and i went to the trampoline. then we walked to the church.

then dustin left.

went to bed feeling guilty and horrible. slept next to tony<3 haha.

woke up feeling better. i think things are okay now. i went home around 1 and did my homework. then i took a 30 minute nap. then i fell asleep at my desk. then i slept for 3 hours watching tv. soo effing tired.

i guess my homecoming was good overall?

(you are getting smaller)

[19 Sep 2003|11:19pm]

[ mood | excited ]

things have changed. for the better? who knows. riding in the bronco is not the same. definitely, definitely different.

homecoming week is over. the sophomores got second, behind the seniors, who are dirty cheaters, thanks.

another one of my friends is mad at me. robert gordon. i don't even want to discuss this because i hardly know what to say.

i saw <333333brian<3333333 today. oh how i miss that boy. he looked very nice today, you know. his hair grew out and looks nice.

went to ceren's with felicia, kelly perry, steven, ceren and ates. then we went to abacoa. about 2 people were there, so we went to the Dwyer game and hung out with Liz Brock and Nick Rossi. haha.

tomorrow=homecoming dance. i'm going with ates, like i said before. i cannot wait. liz brock, liz serio, felicia, ceren, ates, dustin, devon, marti, (robert), and kelly perry all in one room. SO GREAT. it's going to be a lot of fun. nothing better ruin it.

there will be pictures of the homecoming dance up when i take them.

(you are getting smaller)

[16 Sep 2003|09:04pm]

so, today was the start of spirit week for benjamin. today was pajama day. i looked oh so hot. psssssh. dude, gordon wore his 8 year old brother's pants, and they were like, skin tight. while i was at my locker (i have a bottom locker) he stood right next to me and his...under area was right in my face. RIGHT GORDON. I'LL CUT YOU GOOD...WITH A SHREDDER.

tomorrow is backwards day. ceren is going to be me. haha (5 muc stohs). you wish you had that.

friends....COME HOME.

(3 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[15 Sep 2003|08:48pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

yeah, so, almost all of my close friends have boyfriends/girlfriends now, and i'm super duper happy for them, SO SO SO SO SOOOOO happy for them, but i have to wonder...when will it be my time to shine?...

< /selfishness>

(you are getting smaller)

[14 Sep 2003|08:26pm]

i hate when my best friend is mad at me for something i can't control...

(you are getting smaller)

[14 Sep 2003|08:25pm]

my mom is cooking some potatoes right now, and they smell horrible.

i went to the mall on friday and got allyson's present, then i slept over kelly perry's house, which was a lot of fun. we took a lot of funny pictures. haha.

i went to allyson's party yesterday, and it was a very nice event. i had much fun and got to see a lot of people i don't get to see much. got to see Five Cent Wish. hahah.

then i went to the show at Rays with Felicia, Steven and Tony...heh, Tony and his first show. wooooo.

i had so much fun at the show and got to see sutherland<3 and soma<3 and gimp<3. gimp was soo amazing, and they won the battle of the bands, along with SISG. so awesome, and bryan kept looking at me. what a plus. i saw butt clevage galore by him and reid. haha.

and today has sucked because my mom signed off my name, and my whole journal entry from before was erased. i'll probably redo it later. my dad made me do 3 hours of homework, and my brother doesn't know when to shut his mouth. on top of all of that, i'm supposed to be at the Dashboard show, but the tickets sold out before i could get one. lsdjfdsfa. i'm so mad. i've been looking forward to that concert for monthes. UGH.

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[12 Sep 2003|05:51pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

hm. is my dad the only one that yells at their kid for doing their homework on their bed? pssh

johnny cash and john ritter died today. i cried this morning. johnny cash is just amazing, and i LOVE 8 Simple Rules with John Ritter. oh what am i going to do?!

ashton thinks i hate her. see, i don't hate her, i just don't like unnecessary drama when it's not needed. i have no problem with her, just her assuming things about eric and i and says things about me to my friends when nothing is even going on. it just upsets me when people try to cause tention for no reason.

hmm. my parents are both acting like they're five years old. they're having a screaming match because my mom was on the phone when my dad wanted it. funny how he only involves me when it's for his benefit. and funny how my mom can't ever see that she's wrong. and now my mom's upset, so what does she do? goes and grabs the alcohol, OF COURSE. classssy indeed. pssh.

i look forward to the events of the next two days.

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[09 Sep 2003|10:00pm]

[ mood | geeky ]

( Read more... )

(you are getting smaller)

uh oh [08 Sep 2003|10:21pm]

[ mood | dorky ]

( hi, i'm lauren dwyer, and i'm not wearing glasses. )

(you are getting smaller)

[08 Sep 2003|09:53pm]

[ mood | tired ]

my mom: "remember when you got a bead stuck up your nose when you were little?"
haha, yes, i do. it was a bead that i would use to make necklaces with...no, not a BED, ates. thanks.

well this weekend was...okay. sunday i had the greatest time. went to the mall and hung out with liz brock, kelly, and ceren. ceren got sick and left early. poor ceren is so sick. :( then kelly and liz left, and i chilled with rose and faith. such cool girls. MUST get them dates to benjamin homecoming. then my mom came and picked us up in her ghetto pimp van, and we listened to books on tape.

i can't wait until i can drive that thing on my own. it will be SUCH a fun car...the back seat goes down. awwww yeah. hahahahaha.

and today was nice. got an 83 on my govt. test, which was better than most people. i think i did well on my spanish test today. wee. the boys at the table next to us were making fun of hellen keller at lunch. they were so mean, but it made me laugh so hard.

every day i get more and more excited about homecoming and the concert sunday. ooh, and allyson's party on saturday. w00t w00t!

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[06 Sep 2003|09:43pm]

[ mood | bored ]

well then. today was boring. i watched Bowling for Columbine, which is a very good movie, and went to Panera Bread with my dad.

My room isn't completely done yet. My mom just turned my bunkbed. it's...weird, but i like it. i'll like it a lot more when i get my new bed put in.

so my dad's letting me go see dashboard/brand new. and i don't know for sure, but i think he said i could go to the shows next weekend too. i'll have to run that by him again. haha.

and i am craving maggie.

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

your eyes, they shine. [05 Sep 2003|08:49pm]

[ mood | tired ]

[ music | "the shooting star..." a static lullaby ]

well today was...odd. i'm strangely tired right now, and it's only a little over 8:30 in the evening.

school was okay today. developed some pics, and the chemicals smelled up my hands all day. did okay on my government test, i think. got a 91 on my chem test too, so i'm happy about that.

my mom is doing god knows what to my room right now. she said something about making the bunk bed into a normal, twin bed. have NO clue how she's planning on doing that...i'm kind of worried that my whole bed will fall apart and i will have nowhere to sleep tonight. haha.

brand new/dashboard next weekend. MUST GO. i'm going to tell my dad about it tomorrow. i'm going...oh yes, i AM going.

homecoming soon. i'm excited.

my dad said that if i do all of my homework tomorrow then i get to go out on sunday. hopefully i can go to genna's and fix up her deadjournal. w00t w00t.

(you are getting smaller)

leave me black [04 Sep 2003|09:11pm]

[ mood | blank ]

[ music | "love to hate, hate to me" A static lullaby ]

and save yourself

well guys, guess who's grounded this weekend? AWWWW YEAH, Lauren Dwyer. apparently I didn't tell my dad about Open House early enough, so I'm grounded over the weekend. can we say lame?

my dad drove me crazy last night...like emotional-breakdown crazy. i told him his flaws. i couldn't breath while i did it. i gasped for air the whole time. he said he would work on his anger problems...so this morning he threw another screaming fit. niccccccce job dad, i really admire how you stick to your word. PASLFJAS.DAF

got our yearbooks. boy i miss all of my MIA benjamin kids. so sad. i need me my college boys, marti, devon, kelly, alex and maggie back, like, NOW. thanks.

getting rid of the bunkbeds in my room. heh, yay. more room in my room.

man, nikki is like, the coolest girl ever...even if she looks like a duck and hasn't given me a bracelet yet. bleh.

yeah, and if those shit talkers in the junior grade would like to stop giving me mean looks I would love that. i never did anything to you, or anyone you know, so pleaseeeeee get over whatever you have against me. psh...

at the mall a couple of days ago I saw a shirt in Abercrombie that said "Hardcore Prep". I told my mom about it, because I thought it was like, THE funniest thing ever. She ended up buying it for me today. Wow...um, okay mom, thanks? haha.
My LiveJournal Sitcom
Living With nfg4evergirl182 (PBS, 2:30): nfg4evergirl182 (Jada Pinkett) makes fallenstarz7 (Jerry Lewis) look stupid in front of a large crowd at the beach. That same day, oblivi0n04 (Nicholas Brendon) thinks iamhilikus (Colin Firth) has a Brooklyn accent. Upstairs, puppypunk (Johnny Depp)'s new shirt bleeds in the wash and stains all of best_wishes (Tommy Lee Jones)'s underwear pink. Soon afterwards, niggapleaze (Ian Holm) borrows awayfromhere7 (Leonard Nimoy)'s car to drive to the beach. Nearby, ohsweetmetro (Robert Mitchum) convinces dennys (Horatio Sanz) to buy a salad. Hilarious results follow.
What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)

(you are getting smaller)

[02 Sep 2003|09:46pm]

[ mood | calm ]

I don't know why I feel this way this year. I feel fresh. I feel like I've started over. Everything I was, everything I thought and felt about Benjamin has been thrown out the window, and school is now good. It feels like a whole new school for me. Maybe because of the people I have started to get to know, and the ideas we share. Maybe because I'm crazy...maybe both?

I went homecoming dress shopping today. Saw one dress I liked. More searching is needed, though. guitar was great. doing very well, and looking at some okay acoustic guitars. i might be getting one soon, you know.

i think i'm going to go running tomorrow after school. just for the hell of it. well, not really...i want to look nice for homecoming. haha, i'm such a shallow girl.

and i miss my friends. miss them like whoa. sent off eric's letter today. still writing maggie's. i have to photocopy this one thing before i send it, though, so it's taking longer to write. blehh.

anyone want to set lauren up with a nice boy? yes...no? oh...okay then.

(1 still see you | you are getting smaller)

[01 Sep 2003|10:15pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

i want to be kissed :(

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